Letters to the Ghosts of My Past

We all have them. Not “the ones that got away” but the ones you got away from!The times when the Spirit tells you to move and you just cut and run. Most times you make it out unscathed, unhaunted by the souls you leave behind – thankfully.

Then there are those you think you’ve gotten away from but somehow they tend to find their way back into your life. Usually when you feel you’re well adjusted, grown, matured, and very likely with someone else in a healthy, loving, adult relationship. It’s like they can smell the sweet fragrance of happiness; they have this sick sixth sense that lets them know you’re reaching the pinnacle of your progress. You haven’t been in contact with each other for years, your number has changed, you don’t even use that hotmail address anymore. So how do they find you? How do they know?! It’s too creepy! To them I say: you had your chance now get thee behind me!



1) To Young Love

Love is still probably there, not gonna lie. Buried deep in some underground cavern that is a part of me, there is probably still a small ember that glows for you. But an ember does not a raging fire make and we would not have endured. We were on divergent paths! I was intent on my plan; my star was beginning its assent and you weren’t sure if you were coming or going. I saw the potential future with you and knew it was a dead end, so yeah, I ended it. Then the joke started.

True to immature Young Love form, you decided to get with someone else (wait for it) to try to make me jealous! You knew the type of woman I was so you should have known that was going to blow up in your face and I would be the epitome of unaffected. To make things more interesting, she knew you were still into me and decided to confront me about it. I suspect she was disappointed when she didn’t get the reaction she came looking for. It was my first time at this rodeo, but I wasn’t about the child’s play.
 
You all are expecting - and you call me. “Congrats!” Then in all the wisdom of your early 20’s - you decide to call me because you’re getting married. “Cool, cool!” Child 2 and 3? You call me for each of them. “That’s great news!” What you want me to say, homie?What about me being super unbothered do you not understand?!
 
I made my decision and I continue to be happy with it. Yes, you would have supported my shine and every woman would appreciate a man who is team Her. But I also would have been SUPPORTING you, in ways I would not have been ok with. You made decisions, now live with all of them. Stop calling me with all your woes and regrets, trips down memory lane, all the “what-if” questioning. These change nothing. Lose. My. Number.
 
2) To The Mama’s/Family Boy

I essentially wasted a few good years on you. I was down with you, eventually against my better judgement. I thought you’d grow up and see that I was a real one. That I was going to stick by you no matter what. It is only now I realise that I didn’t have to wait for you to see that, you already knew! You knew exactly who I was and what you’d be getting in me as a partner. That’s why you strung me along for so long. “Let’s not put a label on it” – you said. “My family would want me to be with someone from my culture” – you said. So we could only be “we” in private. AndI rolled with it thinking at the very least you would come around to the 21st century, grow some balls, and stand up for yourself and what you want. Then I stopped shoving my wisdom, dignity, and self-respect under the rug and finally cut your ass loose, wished you well, and went on my merry way. I’ve grown into the awesome person I was always going to be. Oh and I’m not done growing, not by a long shot. There is still a lot of flower left to bloom here.
 
And now here you are, running behind me, out of the clear blue. Asking and inquiring about my next big moves, and if you can come visit. I’m not mistaken there seems to be an air of fear in your voice when you realise I’ll be further from your grasp. No longer close enough for you to reach out, manipulate, and mold me the way you want. Is it because you’re mid-thirties and still single because mommy and daddy could never find you the person you would ever want? Who didn’t see that coming? You always know what you want but you’re never man enough to stand up for yourself especially if there is potential for any kind of friction. Life is full of friction baby, you will never please everybody. Under the myriad of facades and excuses you give: in the name of “Family and tradition” and“wanting to prevent confrontation”, I have come to realise that really you are always looking out for yourself. And you trying to rekindle...whatever you’re trying to rekindle, is just another self-serving act. So you’re afraid to be alone and grasping at something, anything. Me?! Oh, honey! Miss me with that. It doesn’t get better than me and I’m serving myself now. NEXT!
 
3) To The One I Almost Married

You’re probably the hardest one to shake because part of me questions at times “did I make the correct decision?” There really was nothing “wrong with you” per se. You were great. You worshiped the ground I walked on. You would move heaven and earth for me. You stuck with me through a grueling education and travelled across borders and international waters. So no one gets it why it wasn’t right for me, but it just wasn’t right for me. And so for my sanity, I ended us. It was a mental battle for me to come to the decision and actually speak the words to you. I know you didn’t understand and you persisted; tried to barter and bargain.You hoped that letting love go, it would come back to you. You became angry and finally spit venom at me, for years. And at times I felt like a horrible person.How dare I enjoy the freedom I was feeling? How many women would give the shirt off their back, their right leg, and left ovary for someone like you? I questioned my decision multiple times, and if I’m honest, I still sometimes question it even now. Even my family is still team The One I Almost Married. But with all the questioning and lack of support for a decision that I made for my own well-being from the people who are supposed to be on my team, I always comeback to the same conclusion: my decision was the right decision. I couldn’t continue the relationship with the resentment that was brewing - especially not with marriage on the line. I envisioned that resentment morphing into hate and I would have been a prisoner. So instead of letting things continue to fester within me, instead of allowing you to continue to think all was well with the world and you were going to enter into this fantastic marriage with this fantastic woman, despite being afraid of what my family, your family, and our friends would think and say, I decided to make a decision solely for me – damn everyone else and their opinions and feelings. I would be the one dealing with the consequences and I preferred short term disdain to long term imprisonment and emotional torture. So though I am sorry for the heartache I have caused you, you will never understand the heartache I saved myself from. I don’t regret my decision. If in the same situation, I would have done it again. I wish you healing, much love and happiness.
 
4) To The User
You were a tricky one User, yes you were. You came in on your white horse, being supportive, having it all together, checking all the proverbial boxes I never even knew I had, waving that “MARRIAGE” banner high, shouting it off the rooftops. And I bought it. Allowed your cries to echo off the walls of my heart and soul, allowed it to seep into my skin, signed the blank cheque and handed it over. I was all the way in then you dropped me as though I was nothing. Depression? Oh I didn’t truly understand the viscosity of it until you; the way it sticks to you, the way it drowns you; the way the darkness even when it breaks, will swallow all the light you have in an instant. Oh yeah, you were a doozy! Now honestly I can’t say that I know exactly what happened because in the end I truly believe you’re a sociopath but I think it was an amalgamation of things.

1) You were done using me. Plain and simple. I think this is the most important in the list of things that led to the end of us. You had a goal and you used me to accomplish said goal. You got what you came for and you were just done. End of story.

2) You came to realise that the faceless-woman-mold you conjured in your head wasn’t me. I wasn’t going to fit the way you wanted. I wouldn’t acquiesce to all your requests. I didn’t agree with everything you said. I wouldn’t go along with the life plan you had for MY life (I’m not even going to address the absurdity of this). I wouldn’t conform to your ways because I am me. I’ve been me my whole life and I’ve been living MY life, my whole life. It has been perfect but whose life is perfect? I do not have it all figured out, but neither do you! Are there things I wish I had done differently? Are there decisions that I would have made differently? Absolutely, who doesn’t have those? But I don’t have The Infinity Gauntlet nor do I have the Time Stone. If I did, you would be a decision I would have made differently.


3) You weren’t ready to do the work that a real relationship takes. You believe you are perfect as is – no improvements necessary - and are just looking for a woman who is going to fit you, your vision, and your way of life. That’s not how this thing works! Relationships equal change! A change in your way of life, your way of thinking, your finances, your social circle, even your sleep cycle will change damn it! It means compromise – on BOTH sides. It also means there will be disagreements that will be had – some easier to handle than others. All of these things mean constant growth which mean constant change and growing pains. These are inherent in any relationship because neither persons are mindless zombies. Maybe that’s what you’re looking for. A ‘yes’ woman. Someone who won’t question you, won’t push you, won’t go against you ever, someone with no mind or opinion of her own. And maybe you’ll find her, but it she isn’t me. You were more disruptive to my psyche than anything that I’ve ever experienced and I’m sad I was unfortunate enough to experience that. But I’m honestly not sorry that you’re gone and I don’t miss you. Good riddance to bad rubbish.